Little

When you think of little. You think of something small. Something that doesn't really take up very much space. May not even have very much significance in the world. At least thats what I think of when I think of little. In this world we live in there are so many people out here that make it their mission to make us feel small whether it be a bully, an abuser, anybody that just feels like they need to make another person feel insignificant to validate themselves. To me thats what I think of when I think of little, when I think of small. I spent many years of my life feeling insignificant. Feeling like I was a small part of this great big world. My family didn't realize the impact it had on me when they called me little, Poor Little Ugly Me. They didn't understand how much that impacted my life. I never felt like I fit into my own family. I didn't feel like I fit in with any specific groups of kids at school and at times my own friends. I always felt like maybe people felt sorry for me, or people pitied me or just didn't care. Who was I anyway I was the PLUM, the Poor, Little, Ugly Me? The girl that was depressed all the time, the girl who felt sorry for herself all the time. That was hurtful, that was painful. The people I counted on the most to love me to take care of me, to nurture me are the very same people who hurt me who scared me for life.  I know now as an adult they did not set out to hurt me, they did not set out to make me feel insignificant, to make me feel little but they did. They did it directly through their own actions or through allowing other people to hurt me. My mother did it first by allowing me to leave and not stopping and taking the time to say "I love you", "I value you", "This is a difficult time but we can get through this together." She didn't do that. She let me go with my sister because she knew that my sister loved me and would never turn her back on me. She knew that without my sister everyday my life would be very difficult for me. I know now that my mother had her own issues. Issues with depression, low self esteem, a victim of abuse both physically and emotionally at the hands of my father and then my step-father. As a child watching my mother being made to feel little by stepfather this was difficult to watch but very difficult for me to understand. I wasn't a woman. I didn't know what it felt like to be a woman, to be a mother and to be a wife. For many many years I didn't understand. By the grace of God I am learning that more and more everyday. As a young woman I entered into a marriage that was an escape. We were both young and the product of broken marriages. Children of women who did not have self confidence, who suffered from depression. Women who just made it through day by day. He and I were both exposed to this as children. We clung to each other. In some ways we grew together, in some ways we grew seperately but in the end we weren't right for each other. The best thing that came from that marriage was the two amazing children that we had together. They are the best of both of us. This is the reward of being parents you can see the flaws in your children, you can see where they struggle but you can also see if you are looking for it..the beauty in them.  You can see their talents, their intelligence. You have to be aware. You have to be able to put your own stuff aside and say" This is a beautiful child that God has blessed me with." This child is an individual who possesses  good traits, bad traits, talents, flaws and every part of them. At the same time you have to parent them. You have to live your life day by day. This can be difficult but you have to be willing to pay attention, willing to take the time, when the child is sad ask why. When the child is hurting make sure they are going to be ok just because there is nothing on the outside doesn't mean there's nothing on the inside. Doesn't mean that there is no pain inside that child. Don't pass it off as no big deal. Just because it may be LITTLE to you it could be very BIG to them. Stay alert, stay aware, stay involved and love your children. Love them as individuals, Love them to the fullest and help them to soar. If God didn't intend for them to do BIG things he would have never created them. If you weren't meant to be the one to help guide them he would have never given them to you. So until next time...be blessed!

Busy Days...

I apologize that it has been a couple weeks since I have had the opportunity to write. Life has been pretty busy for me these days. As if the pressure of a full time job, living as a single mother, and carrying the weight of a household on my shoulders wasn't enough I decided to launch this ministry. I don't really feel like I decided anything I feel like God gave me instructions and I followed them as I am supposed to do. I haven't finished telling my story by any means and from what you all may have figured out by now I haven't really seen myself as much of anything. Especially compared to other people. The biggest lesson I have learned recently is that it doesn't matter what I think of myself when it comes to doing God's work. It doesn't matter how confident I am within myself when it comes time for God to say it's time. I remember being at the conference I went to on August 16th (btw was intended to be my wedding day but due to unfortunate circumstances my wedding had to be postponed) and being surrounded by amazing women. Women who had been through so much more abuse and hardships than I could have ever even imagined. My story felt so small in comparison to them. Yet these women who had endured horrific childhoods and adulthood were soldiers for God. Doing big things in a big way. Yet I was afraid. Yet I was telling myself I wasn't qualified to be a leader to run a ministry as big as God had given me a vision for. Right there and than amongst these women God spoke to me and said "You are qualified because I have qualified you." and I knew it was time. So I have hit the ground running with the ministry. I ordered a few brochures and a few business cards, picked a date for my launch party before I even figured out HOW I WAS GOING TO DO THIS? The how had already been given to me. God would make a way. So I have totally stepped out on faith, opened my heart and my bank account to this venture and I am totally trusting God 100% for probably the first time in my life. Yes it is incredibly scary and every day I pray hard that I am doing the right thing and that God is leading me. I know he is because he has brought such amazing women into my life and showing me and other people another side of my daughter and allowing her to gain confidence in herself that she didn't know existed. So thats pretty much it for this entry. It's going to be a busy week around PLUM headquarters to get ready for Saturdays festivities and I know it will be a truly blessed event for all those who attend. So all of you out there in my corner thanks for your support!
B