The Maze Runner

So I went to see the Maze Runner on Friday with the kids at the new Destination Theater. First off I need to give a shout out to my pastor and my church leaders for coming up with the idea to revamp the theater. It provide not only an income for the church but also a place where families can go and spend time together in an environment that they can be proud of and have the desire to preserve the cleanliness and the beauty of all the hard work that has gone into remodeling the theater. I felt a sense of pride when I went into the theater, It wasn’t just at a movie theater I was in the house of the Lord. Wow what a different yet comforting feeling. It almost felt like we were sitting in a big movie screening room surrounded by family. So we are watching the movie and I’m not quite sure how I feel about the movie. Boys are sent up one by one to this huge maze and are basically reborn because they have been left with their names as their only memory. Apparently 3 years ago this began happening and the first ones to go up were the leaders of the group. Then within the group everyone had their jobs to do. You could see right away who the strongest were, the weakest, and as the movie progressed you saw ones that gave off the perception they were strong demonstrate great amounts of weakness. These are the ones who as long as they were in their environment and doing what it took to make things run as they should they were fine. As soon as change began to occur they didn’t know how to handle it.  Well after watching the movie I wasn’t sure how I felt about it overall.  So as I was drinking my coffee yesterday morning I started reflecting on the movie and asked myself “What can be learned from the movie?” So I began to replay the movie in my mind and I came up with 5 things I think were symbolized in the film so here goes!

1.       The Maze-The Maze symbolizes our life. Life brings us many twists and turns that is ever changing based on the choices that we make and the plans that God has for us.

2.       The Numbered Sections of the Maze-symbolizes the stages of our lives that we must get through to get to the end.

3.       The Maze Runner-The strongest, fastest, smartest individuals who have an undying determination to find the way out. This is symbolic of those who never give up in life. The ones that know we may fail when we go down certain paths that don’t allow themselves to be defeated just try continue through the maze putting the pieces together to ultimately get themselves and the others with them through.

4.       The Grievers-The obstacles that we face that we can either destroy and gain something that will lead to our freedom or will destroy us and lead to our defeat.

5.       Forgiveness-The ability to forgive those who sometimes hurt us yet their actions against us can allow us to gain wisdom or experience change and growth we might not have experienced otherwise.

All in all the movie was pretty good. Some of the things in the movie I wasn’t too happy about but I try to be open minded and figure out what I can gain from the experience. It might have only been just the sense of pride and feeling of home away from home. Maybe it was just the experience of being able to spend a Friday night out with my children just being able to sit back and relax. I personally feel that every experience we go thru whether good or bad is meant to be to help us grow and learn and find our way through this maze we call life. Till next time…

B

Little

When you think of little. You think of something small. Something that doesn't really take up very much space. May not even have very much significance in the world. At least thats what I think of when I think of little. In this world we live in there are so many people out here that make it their mission to make us feel small whether it be a bully, an abuser, anybody that just feels like they need to make another person feel insignificant to validate themselves. To me thats what I think of when I think of little, when I think of small. I spent many years of my life feeling insignificant. Feeling like I was a small part of this great big world. My family didn't realize the impact it had on me when they called me little, Poor Little Ugly Me. They didn't understand how much that impacted my life. I never felt like I fit into my own family. I didn't feel like I fit in with any specific groups of kids at school and at times my own friends. I always felt like maybe people felt sorry for me, or people pitied me or just didn't care. Who was I anyway I was the PLUM, the Poor, Little, Ugly Me? The girl that was depressed all the time, the girl who felt sorry for herself all the time. That was hurtful, that was painful. The people I counted on the most to love me to take care of me, to nurture me are the very same people who hurt me who scared me for life.  I know now as an adult they did not set out to hurt me, they did not set out to make me feel insignificant, to make me feel little but they did. They did it directly through their own actions or through allowing other people to hurt me. My mother did it first by allowing me to leave and not stopping and taking the time to say "I love you", "I value you", "This is a difficult time but we can get through this together." She didn't do that. She let me go with my sister because she knew that my sister loved me and would never turn her back on me. She knew that without my sister everyday my life would be very difficult for me. I know now that my mother had her own issues. Issues with depression, low self esteem, a victim of abuse both physically and emotionally at the hands of my father and then my step-father. As a child watching my mother being made to feel little by stepfather this was difficult to watch but very difficult for me to understand. I wasn't a woman. I didn't know what it felt like to be a woman, to be a mother and to be a wife. For many many years I didn't understand. By the grace of God I am learning that more and more everyday. As a young woman I entered into a marriage that was an escape. We were both young and the product of broken marriages. Children of women who did not have self confidence, who suffered from depression. Women who just made it through day by day. He and I were both exposed to this as children. We clung to each other. In some ways we grew together, in some ways we grew seperately but in the end we weren't right for each other. The best thing that came from that marriage was the two amazing children that we had together. They are the best of both of us. This is the reward of being parents you can see the flaws in your children, you can see where they struggle but you can also see if you are looking for it..the beauty in them.  You can see their talents, their intelligence. You have to be aware. You have to be able to put your own stuff aside and say" This is a beautiful child that God has blessed me with." This child is an individual who possesses  good traits, bad traits, talents, flaws and every part of them. At the same time you have to parent them. You have to live your life day by day. This can be difficult but you have to be willing to pay attention, willing to take the time, when the child is sad ask why. When the child is hurting make sure they are going to be ok just because there is nothing on the outside doesn't mean there's nothing on the inside. Doesn't mean that there is no pain inside that child. Don't pass it off as no big deal. Just because it may be LITTLE to you it could be very BIG to them. Stay alert, stay aware, stay involved and love your children. Love them as individuals, Love them to the fullest and help them to soar. If God didn't intend for them to do BIG things he would have never created them. If you weren't meant to be the one to help guide them he would have never given them to you. So until next time...be blessed!

Busy Days...

I apologize that it has been a couple weeks since I have had the opportunity to write. Life has been pretty busy for me these days. As if the pressure of a full time job, living as a single mother, and carrying the weight of a household on my shoulders wasn't enough I decided to launch this ministry. I don't really feel like I decided anything I feel like God gave me instructions and I followed them as I am supposed to do. I haven't finished telling my story by any means and from what you all may have figured out by now I haven't really seen myself as much of anything. Especially compared to other people. The biggest lesson I have learned recently is that it doesn't matter what I think of myself when it comes to doing God's work. It doesn't matter how confident I am within myself when it comes time for God to say it's time. I remember being at the conference I went to on August 16th (btw was intended to be my wedding day but due to unfortunate circumstances my wedding had to be postponed) and being surrounded by amazing women. Women who had been through so much more abuse and hardships than I could have ever even imagined. My story felt so small in comparison to them. Yet these women who had endured horrific childhoods and adulthood were soldiers for God. Doing big things in a big way. Yet I was afraid. Yet I was telling myself I wasn't qualified to be a leader to run a ministry as big as God had given me a vision for. Right there and than amongst these women God spoke to me and said "You are qualified because I have qualified you." and I knew it was time. So I have hit the ground running with the ministry. I ordered a few brochures and a few business cards, picked a date for my launch party before I even figured out HOW I WAS GOING TO DO THIS? The how had already been given to me. God would make a way. So I have totally stepped out on faith, opened my heart and my bank account to this venture and I am totally trusting God 100% for probably the first time in my life. Yes it is incredibly scary and every day I pray hard that I am doing the right thing and that God is leading me. I know he is because he has brought such amazing women into my life and showing me and other people another side of my daughter and allowing her to gain confidence in herself that she didn't know existed. So thats pretty much it for this entry. It's going to be a busy week around PLUM headquarters to get ready for Saturdays festivities and I know it will be a truly blessed event for all those who attend. So all of you out there in my corner thanks for your support!
B

Poor Part I

Poor is the first word in the acronym that was used to describe my “pity party”. To me when the word poor comes to mind I think of someone who suffers from financial hardship or something  that is of power worksmanship or quality. To be honest in my life growing up I can say I have been both.  Up until the time I left home with my sister at 12 I lived a pretty comfortable life. Of course I had no concept of money or what it took to run a household than and to be perfectly honest I never really went without much. Up to the point before the big jolly man that came at Christmas no longer existed in my world Christmas was a big deal for me. I remember the last Christmas I had believing in Santa and the mountains of presents that filled the room. Once I stopped believing in Santa there were no more mountains on Christmas morning. 

When I left home with my sister at 12 we left the house with what we could get in the car. My sister had a job as a night clerk at a hotel so we were able to stay there otherwise there’s no telling where we would have ended up. We lived there for about a month until a travelling salesman that came to stay at the hotel a few times a year who had been interested in my sister convinced her to pack us up and travel with him to another state. He traded in his Cadillac and we were off to a new life. We made stops in New Mexico, Arizona, California, and Las Vegas between Thanksgiving and New Years day before settling into an apartment in Colorado Springs Colorado

The apartment we started off in was pretty nice with all the bells and whistles that come with luxury apartment living. All was well for a couple months till my sister discovered that he was a fraud and that he was in debt to the company they both worked for to the point he wasn’t able to pay the money back. She decided to be done with him and get a place on her own. At this point it was just me, my sister, and my almost 1 year old nephew now. Just after my 13^th birthday we moved to another apartment just the 3 of us. At this point she had begun dating a new guy. He was a very nice guy who treated her good, took my nephew on as his own child and was even accepting of her extra kid which was me. One thing I can say about my childhood is my sister always had my back. She may have struggled a lot but no matter what I always knew she loved me and would never let me down. This began a pattern of us moving every 6 months I was in junior high school. Starting with the school I began junior high in when I was still at my mom’s house I went to a total of 7 different schools. We lived pay check to pay check on welfare. In order to afford Christmas the year after we left my sister rang a bell for the Salvation Army in the freezing cold temperatures of a Colorado winter while she was 4 months pregnant just to make sure my nephew and I didn’t have to go without.

 My sister always did what she had to do to take care of us. Times were hard yet I always knew during this time that no matter what I would be ok because she was there.

I think this is probably where I learned that as a mother no matter what you took care of your children. I learned that you do everything in your power with every part of your being to make sure that they knew the love and sacrifice that you made for them.

Stay tuned for Poor Part II

Just another PLUM Day..Not!

"Are you having a plum day?" I remember them saying. It was common for them to say that when I was depressed or feeling sorry for myself. That and the world's smallest violin. You know the one where you take two fingers and rub them together?

I remember my 14th birthday party and my best friend started her period at MY birthday party. When she discovered she started it she came to talk about it the fact that we were at my birthday party went out the window. I remember being sad that I wasn't the center of attention on the one day I felt should have been. I was used to it though. I was never the pretty girl that the boys noticed or popular enough to fit in. I was on my 5th middle school and in 7th grade. Now here was my best friend and the only real friend I had taking my spotlight. When someone finally remembered why we were there it was "Stop being so selfish, she can't help that she started here." when someone else overheard it they asked what was wrong and was told  "Oh she's just having a plumday." At that point it was much more than just a Plumday. Almost two years earlier my mom let me pack up what I could get into the car and leave with my sister after a confrontation with my stepfather. The day we left the house without my mother coming home to say goodbye was one of the moments in my life that changed my life forever. It was the moment that I realized that my mother had made the decision to choose her husband over her children.

This is only the beginning of my story...there will be more to come. I want to just make it clear this blog is not to bash my mother or my step father for the mistakes they made in my childhood just to tell my story. Every one of us has our own shortcomings and make mistakes as parent's due to our own issues and upbringing and I myself make mistakes with my own children. I have since forgiven my parents and my family for the things you will read here but telling my story is important to share what has lead me to this ministry. Though times were hard if it wasn't for the things I lived through good and bad I wouldn't be the woman and mother I am today. So just want to say I love my parents and my family dearly and again I mean no disrespect to anyone.

Stay tuned for the next part of my story...